You Dear Ladybug, I have a 19 year old son who has been with his girlfriend for over a year now. I personally loved her at the beginning and was so happy for my son. She presented as a sweet, kind, caring and respectful young lady. My son used to be an independent, strong, confident young man, and now he is the shell of the young man he used to be. His confidence is shattered because of her constant belittling and it's heartbreaking to hear him on the phone begging her not to leave him because he upset her by working a scheduled shift at work with female coworkers. She is very jealous of all other females and constantly accuses him of looking or smiling in the direction of the opposite sex. Mind you, she is his first girlfriend and he has never cheated on her. She threw such a fit about him having friends that he cut them all off for her and literally has her, his coworkers and his family in his life now. He has spent thousands of dollars showering her with gifts and pretty much pays for everything they do and everywhere they go. She works and has her own money but her money is hers and his money is theirs. We have tried to talk to him but he gets very defensive and we don't want to drive him further away. She's been pressuring him to move into an apartment with her and that's the only thing he hasn't given in on yet. We're at a loss for what to do other than just being there for him. What advice can you offer? Sincerely, A Desperate Mother
Dear Desperate Mother: Unfortunately, it sounds like your son is in an abusive relationship. There are many ways that people can be abused and be an abuser. It sounds like your sons girlfriend is emotionally and mentally abusive. Another unfortunate aspect of this type of relationship is that the abused has to realize this for themselves and want to get out.
You can point out these types of situations like an abuser isolating their victims from family and friends is one big red flag.
If there is anyway you can try and cut down on the amount of money your son is spending? Do something like tell him to put that money he is using for expensive gifts into a savings account so he can take his girlfriend on a fabulous trip next year. That might help to hold onto some of those funds and hopefully a break up will occur before there is damage.
Hang in there Desperate Mom. These type of people always show their hand. Try and hold onto the fact that you raised a smart, good son. If this is his first serious relationship, it may take a while for him to let go but he will let go and move onto better and healthier things.
Your instincts are right. If you try and break them apart he will run to her. However, sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can see what everyone else sees. If you see no change in the way things are going, you might consider telling him you can't watch him being used anymore and he needs to go live with this person. Sometimes living with a person full time is a real eye opener. That is just something to consider however it is a drastic measure. Keep in mind the opposite can be true and pushing them together may just rip them apart.
Thanks for sharing your question. Please let us know if you were able to get him to hold onto some funds via a savings account and update us if and when there is a break up.
yours, Ladybug
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